A Year Ago Today

** I do not claim to know it all, nor do I want to. This is JUST my view on this..**

RIP

Maria Guadalupe Ocampo

June 28, 1954- June 15, 2009

A year ago today, I felt as if the world stopped revolving. As if the whole world went in slow motion and I just saw every one's lives flash by me in happy spurts. All the while, mine went in slow motionbut in slides of devastation. No matter what the cause, losing a family member is devastating. There isn't anything that can or will prepare you for such an event. You can "prepare" to show face in front of others and help console them as a form of self consolation but if you have gone through this, then you know exactly what I mean.

A year ago today, June 15, 2009 ,I lost my mother. It seems as if this is all I talk about or all that has been taking over my life but it changed my life. It changed my life in so many ways that you'd think that I was reborn into a whole new life. When all it is is a new chapter in my life. Again, those that have gone through this or something similar, will understand. Not only does this person die, but a part of you inside dies along with them. For a lifetime, an empty space that was especially intended for them, remains unfilled. You may go day by day, live life as if nothing happened, put a smile on your face, and keep on living but at the end of the day, that's when that loneliness creeps. Comes up behind you like a deadly wave of fog and cold and takes over. A deep and horrible loneliness that just gnaws away at you and cripples your nights until dawn breaks once more. At times, it feels as if the pain will never cease to exist. It just keeps getting worse and worse as time goes on. It never does get easier, you just learn to live day by day with acknowledgment of their being gone. You first notice that first month that has gone by, feels just like yesterday. The half year mark, pain is fresh and ever present. As that year anniversary approaches, everything seems too surreal. A year already? It feels as if it was just yesterday! No matter how much time passes, it never gets "easy." It never stops hurting and it never goes away. I think that the trick in it is how you deal with such an event.

I, at times, let that loneliness and pain take over because grieving is the only way to pacify that internal agony. If you feel like crying, then cry a river! It will bring a sort of relief. Through the sleepless night, endless tears, and swollen eyes, it sheds a million pounds off your heart, even if it is just temporary. You feel like you need to talk? Talk into thin air! So what if people think you're crazy? Your loved one hears you anywhere, at all times! This day, a year after your loss, face it! Face your biggest fears and visit your loved one's gravesite. Leave flowers, decorate their tomb, do whatever makes you feel at peace with yourself and with them! Make an alter at your own home.Play their favorite music, eat their favorite foods, use their favorite cologne, perfume, clothes. Anything but acknowledge them because they still, even in their physical absence, they play a major role in your life and who are you are as a person.

The greatest lesson I ever learned was to celebrate their life after death. For their death here, is their new beginning elsewhere! Mourn their loss but also don't forget of all the great times you had with that person. For every tear you shed, remember a great memory! For every heartache, remember the stomach ache you got from laughing hard! I think of my mother on a daily basis. Everytime I think of a sad memory, I try to think of 2 or 3 awesome memories I have of her. Her great laugh, her awesome sense of humor, her everlasting smile. Through hard times and physical pain, that smile never left her face. She always knew how to make us smile even if she wasn't in the greatest health. For this, and many other reasons, she is my role model, my inspiration and the type of mother, friend, sister, daughter, and over all human being that I aspire to be.

With our Mommy on our birthday

01/2007

Jayme with our Mommy 4/2007

I will TRY to follow my own advice as to what to do this day. A year ago today, I lost my mother. A year ago today, I no longer was a child but a motherless adult. A year ago today, I learned that unless you've gone through it, you wouldn't understand but you learn to sympathize. A year ago today, I learned that life changes, life goes on, and no matter what, she will ALWAYS be my mother and will ALWAYS watch over me one way or another.

Love you always Mom