There isn't anything anyone can do or say to make your loss of a loved one any easier. The experience is different for everyone. Some react to it as it is just a part of life and others have a complete meltdown and feel their life has come to an end. Whichever one you may be, be you. Don't let anyone tell you how to mourn your loss. I have loved and lost but I don't claim to be an expert at knowing what it is like. Through it all, there are the few that I choose to label as "The Inappropriates." It wouldn't be a world if there didn't exist those that are just a tad bit too inappropriate.
As I mourned in my own way, I had many critics. The sad thing is that whether you mourn out loud or in silence, there will always be people criticizing you. A week or two before my mother passed on, I had a hard time and broke down completely. I cried one day for about 7 hours non stop. I just couldn't help it but I remembered my mother's wise words "no matter what happens to me, life goes on and you are my legacy. You will not show those around you that you are weak for they will prey on you. You are my flesh and blood and I wish for you to be smart, strong and loving as I have been to you." My brothers and I chose to be as calm as possible immediately after her death. I was her caregiver and therefore was "trained" to know the signs of nearing death and how to mentally prepare yourself for those final minutes. Never in my wildest dreams did I know or wish for the outcome of that.
The 72 hours following my mother's death were so busy that it didn't give us time to sit and just have it all soak in. I had some people, who will remain anonymous, ask very inappropriate questions or even heard others criticizing my brothers and I at my mothers own viewing and mass service! It didn't bother me at all because they too will go through it in the future. I do not wish them in anyway these type of criticisms but you get what you give so it might be bound to happen. However, since this is the reason of this blog, we need to go into details!
I was asked "How does it feel to not have a mother anymore." I believe that this was one of the most inappropriate and cruel questions I have heard in my life. It is just that: Cruel and Inappropriate. There shouldn't be a reason you need to know what it feels like if you still have your mother. The best way I could answer this question was "you will go through it one day. When you do, let me know the answer to your own question." I turned out to be the rude one in that situation. Do I care? No, not really. As I mentioned before, nothing will hurt me if my ultimate pain to this date was losing my mother and having rude people around me isn't going to derail my life in way shape or form. If they choose to ask those questions, then it shows the type of person they are. Answer at your own will but do not give them the satisfaction of seeing you hurt. As far as I'm concerned, they aren't that important to have a melt down due to their lack of manners.
I had a family member criticize our actions during my mother's services. They were astonished at how calm we seemed. This person said "look at them! they're not even crying. It's as if they are glad that she died." I was on my best behavior the day of my mother's viewing. The old me would have snapped and gone up to them to set them straight. I figure that since they didn't have a great relationship with my mother and never made the attempt to mend those problems, they turn their own guilt and project it onto criticizing others.
Lastly, I wanted to pay tribute to the most wonderful woman in my world, my mother. She alone raised me to be the person I am today. I never had a father figure and I can't say that I wish I had. That sperm donor not being around molded me into the person I am today. A much better person, or so I believe, than if he had stuck around. Again, a family member had something to say about my tribute to my mother. This person told me "no matter how many tattoos you get of your mother, it won't bring her back." To that, I did snap. The comment was completely and utterly unnecessary. To that comment I said the following: "If I want to cover my body with tattoos of whatever subject matter, it shouldn't be of any concern to you. I did not ask for money to get them, I did not ask for you to financially support me, feed me, or parent me." Yet again, I was the bad guy in the situation. Do I care? Nope! Not at all.
So all in all, remember that there will always be someone that is not going to agree with who you are as a person, what you stand for or what you do. There will always be that insensitive person with the inappropriate questions or comments. But never forget that it is YOUR LIFE. You live it as you see fit. As you see fit for YOU. There aren't any guide lines you have to follow but your own. Make your own road to follow and if that road seems to be nearing to an end, make a new trail and keep going. Do not regret any of your actions. Just live and learn!
*Not a lesson just a thought.
**Disclaimer: I do not claim to know everything there is to know about this subject. I write from my own personal experience and in my own personal opinion.