Day 24- A letter to your parents

I had to do this last Friday (November 12,2010) and I'm just now (November 15, 2010) writing it out. It was just too heavy a topic for me at that time, well, it still is but putting it off won't help. I have so much to say to both my mother and the sperm donor but I tend to choke up when I try to write it out. But, here it goes! (for the sake of the blog, I'll do it in English but I would most definitely need to write it in Spanish because my momma was a fluent Spanish speaker!)

Dear Mommy,

I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU MORE than words can explain. I've been missing you for a year and half now and I don't think that this emptiness I feel inside since you've been gone will ever go away. Don't worry about us that we are okay. I know how we were your whole life and many times I've heard that you are not at peace because you worry for us but please don't. You have raised us and guided us up until now and we will be okay!

I want to take the time to keep thanking you for being the best mother I could ever have. I know that as a child and as a teen, I was hard headed and hard to deal with. I apologize 100x over for all the troubles and worries that I ever imposed on you. I was naive and stupid to think that I knew better or to think "ugh will this woman ever shut up?!?" Now, I sit here and wish that you'd yell at me once more just for kicks...but that will never happen unless you come to me in a dream.

I can't help but regret everything that could have hurt you. I live with the regret of not being able to do everything to save you. I live with the regret of knowing that there could have been so much more that I could have done to make your life better or more comfortable. All the times that something happened to you when I was there, those are the memories that kill me because I know that I could have avoided all the troubles you went through. I know that you always said that I was the light of your life but I don't see how if I couldn't even avoid those unnecessary falls and troubles you went through.

I hope to see you soon! Whether it be in dreams or on  your side of town. I'm not afraid to go now for I know that anywhere you might be, will be the perfect place for me. I love you and seen you soon!


I do not call you dad for I don't believe that you deserve that gesture. You left me as a child and I know that to each his own. You found your happiness elsewhere but you divorce wives not children. You divorced me too. I remember countless times that your family made me write to you and the first few times, I'd wait anxiously by the mailbox for your reply. A reply that would never come. The time your family took me to see you in Mexico, you left the whole time I was there. So much for wanting to see me right? I want to thank you for leaving my life when you did. I appreciate it because my mom showed me what it was to be loved unconditionally. She showed me what it was to live without a man and survive. Your leaving made me a stronger person today.

However, I do want to ask something of you. Please stop making yourself the damn victim. You are anything but a victim. You CHOSE to leave us when you did. You CHOSE not to look for me, not to write me, or even give a call on my birthday or Christmas. You always say that you are afraid to talk to me that you're afraid of rejection. Yeah, well all I can say is BE VERY AFRAID.

The day I lost my mother, I needed support. I would have let the past go had you been there for me in my time of need but you didn't even show your face! When you did show up, you didn't even give me my condolences for losing the most important person in my life and that is something that I will NEVER forget! You are a sorry excuse for a man, father, and human being. You never stood up for what you believed in or even tried to do so. As far as I'm concerned, I'm an orphan now. A father never existed for me and my mother is now gone.  I'm not even sorry to speak to you this way because it is nothing but the truth.

You give condolences to strangers, why not to your own daughter? You skipped out on the funeral and burial of the one woman you claim to have loved? Were you scared? I don't see what you're scared of if she's not going to talk back! No one would have kicked you out from the viewing, services, or burial. If I didn't kick you out from my house when you would come to visit my mom and tell her how much you loved her and all this other bullshit, then why would I kick you out from a chance of saying your final goodbye? Why not try at least? So, give it up. Give up the role of victim because you anything but.

That's all I have to say in regards to anything with you. Until the day I take my last breath, you will remain Juan, the sperm donor. I thank you for donating but any other "man" could have done what you did. Thanks for nothing! Love, Lizeth

***I speak with hatred towards the donor because that is what I feel. He was never there and never will be so if you're going to leave a comment lecturing me about that, save your time and words. I've made up my mind. It doesn't take time and energy to hate him because he never even crosses my mind. It's as if he died for me too...

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