The Martyr, The Complainer, The Rock, Lizeth & Mother's Day Blues

The Martyr, The Complainer, The Rock, Lizeth. Who am I? A friend once told me that I am a martyr for putting myself through relationships that bring no good to me. The complainer, most people think I complain about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. The Rock, the one who will stay through any hardship and endure it. Lizeth, That's my name but at this point, I don't know who I am or what purpose I may have.

Martyr. I made a promise to my mother that I have no intentions of breaking. I was taught that a promise is a promise and it is to be kept. If you don't keep a promise then what validity may your word have? I made a promise on my mother's death bed about our family situation. A friend, who will remain anonymous, but she knows who she is, told me that I can't always take crap from family only to comply with that promise. My godmother also told me the same but my conscious and my word to my mom, does not let me break that promise. I go through so many hardships dealing with certain family members but I put up with it because of that promise. I deal with "family" treating me as if I were nothing. I help and help but see no good outcome of it. When I stand up for myself I am told "You have a bad attitude that needs to be adjusted. Due to your bad attitude, you have bad working experiences, no one likes you and that's why you have little to no friends." As you read this, if you know me, you know who I am talking about.

The Complainer. I always complain as a way to vent my problems out. The more I hold in, the more reclusive I become. I do not want to become that person that looked like she had it all and one day just snapped and ended up in jail, in a mental institution or dead. As time passes by, I realize that people are tired of hearing me talk about problems, predominately on Facebook. Again, it's MY space...my place to vent. If you don't like it or are annoyed by it, then delete me! Simple. I dwell on certain situations or things for a bit and to be attacked for "complaining" is just hard to deal with. This was months ago but it hasn't escaped me because I try to better myself on a daily basis and since I have not stopped complaining, it lingers in the back of my mind.

The Rock. No matter how much my family may push my buttons or just be jack asses to me, I know that I will always be there for them. I have a way of putting myself and my own problems on the back burner to help others. I have always been that way and find it hard to change. My boyfriend once told me "You're a great person and want to help everyone but you can't help the world! Help when you can and don't when you can't. Do you and only you otherwise you'll spend your life helping others and they won't appreciate it anyway." I hate to admit it but he is completely right. I just can't help but be that person people turn to for help.

Lizeth. At this point in my life, I don't know who I am or what my purpose is. As a child, my purpose was to go to school, study, and eventually graduate. As an adult, my job was to go to college, study, and eventually graduate. As a 20 year old my purpose was to love and care for my mother. At 23, my purpose was gone and I was lost. With half my family nagging me to get a job and the other half nagging me to go to school, I was lost as to what to do. I chose to go to work and ended up working with family which is only adding to my ever growing problems. I am now working full time and going to school full time and I can honestly say that it is draining the life out of me. At work, I'm Lizeth the receptionist with an asshole boss. At school, I'm Lizeth the absentee student that still excels. At home, I'm just lost. Out of work and school, I don't know who to be. No one is ever happy with my decisions, if I make any at all.

This rant came out of my Mother's Day Blues. I've said it time and time again, I don't resent my mother being gone. I resent not being able to go with her. Hearing people say "She is OUR mother and she needs to realize that she doesn't have one anymore" is just harsh and over all mean. I do not try to take anyone's mother because they will never add up to what my mother was and continues to be to me. I appreciate others' mothers because I, unlike others, know what it is like to not have a mother but for some reason, I'm always in it to take their mom. Go figure. All I knwo is that with my mom around, I had issues with identity but nothing that I could not figure out. With her around, I didn't have family treating me worse than if I was some scoundrel off the street. With her around, I didn't have to worry about having someone love me because she loved me through thick and thin. But until I join her or figure out who I am or want to be, there isn't much I can do but complain and rant about my life.

Updates

I feel horrible for neglecting the blog. I have many excuses, all valid, PROMISE! (not that I have that many followers on here haha but still!)

I started school this semester and let me tell you, it has been kicking my ass! I am currently attending school full time and working full time. Everyday is a 12-15 hour day depending on how long I stay at school. So far, some of my teachers are complete nuts, however, I love that they're so real with you. There is one particular teacher that is "THEE NUT" LOL he's just out there but I enjoy his class the most because he tells you how it is. He doesn't sugar coat anything and he tells you straight out that if you can't take it, to "get the fuck out of my class!" LOL It really does not get anymore real than that. I have also learned that I am not that great of a writer as I may have thought or had been told. I have an advanced english composition class in which I am not failing miserable per say but I had a cruel reality check.

 All in all, I missed being in school. I have worked full time and handled 22 units (almost 2 full school schedules?) before so I know that this is just a fraction of what I used to be able to handle.However, I feel so old! This schedule I'm on is only a fraction of what I was capable of handling before. I'm starting to realize that I am not that young anymore or maybe I may still be young but I feel soo old! To top it off, I have been sick for going on a month this Monday. I came down with Bronchitis and beginings of Pneumonia and let me tell you, that has been kicking my ass too! lol So the combination of this illness, full time work, and full time school, it is a miracle I have not yet fallen apart.

Also, there is a fairly new worker in our office. He has been here for about a month and a half and it's been nothing but a hassle. If I thought that my boss was a lot to handle, boy was I wrong! I have double the work and we still don't cut the quota every week. It's very frustrating when so much is expected of you and yet, can't meet the expectations because of one worker. Since his arrival to our office, my office hours (when he is present) have been horrible. His attitude and way of acting gives me whiplash. One day he's a happy go lucky guy that is all smiles. The next, he's a raging bitch that is rude, loud, and tries to boss me around like if I'm his factory worker or something. Thanks to having learned patience, I haven't snapped and shown him the bitch in me lol.

I believe that is all there is to update in my life. Hope all of you are in great health, well rested, and happy! Toodles XoXo

Birthday Blues

I have to say that last year, I had one of thee worst birthdays I have ever had! It was not only my first birthday without my mother but it was the first birthday that I spent almost completely alone. When I comfronted my family about it, I was told to stop being such a drama queen but I do not see it that way.

First off, I won't speak on specifics due to there being many eyes on my writing. I do not want anymore drama than I already have with certain people in my life. All I can say is that my brother's and I had made plans for what would happen for my birthday and my older brother's birthday as we are many years apart but our birthdate is only 1 day apart. To make the story short, everyone cancelled on me. When the weekend came, we had plans to keep my mother's tradition going for our birthday. Turns out, some outsiders changed that around and yet again, my birthday was put on the back burner.

This year, doesn't seem to be much different. I was supposed to go out to a club with friends but for reasons I am not going to mention, it wasn't happening. So, I planned to do a party at home. Turns out, that too was not allowed. Due to my older brother's absence, I was told that it wasn't appropriate. "What will the neighbors say? What will they think? It doesn't look right if he isn't here because it's his birthday too." Gee, people make their decisions. Your actions have consequences and my older brother not being around is not my fault. So 2nd idea, out the window! I thought I'd count with my boyfriend's support on making a party for myself at home, turns out, I was wrong. He too said "well it's too late to plan anything." So I gave up...I gave up on trying to celebrate anything this year.

When it comes to other people's birthdays, I always plan something for them or help whoever is planning for them. I never, ever, have made anyone's birthday unsignificant and for everyone to make my day so insignificant is hurtful. It goes to show me that I am alone in this world. If I don't celebrate my own life, no one is going to. I had enough proof this year and last to prove that to myself. It makes me realize even more how much I miss my mom. My mom never, and I mean NEVER, let me down. As small of a celebration as it may be, she never forgot my day. She celebrated my birth everyday of the month if possible and reminded me of how much of a blessing it was for her to have me. She never told me no to anything. Anything baby girl wanted, baby girl got. Now, my back bone and support system is my own. Am I going to celebrate? Probably. Is anything written in stone? Nope, not at all.

Just a forewarning to those that made my day impossible or insignificant, don't be surprised if I can give two shits about your day, yeah, family included. I can be the friendliest, most helpful, nicest person in the world but rub me wrong and you have NO IDEA who you've messed with.So Happy Birthday to Me =D. Despite my mom not being here, I'll always be her princess every day of the year and it WILL be my birthday everyday of the year in her eyes. Love you mom!

Most Memorable Birthday!

I turned 4! January 1990

Small Change

So I was feeling sorta blah the other day. I debated on what to do to change my appearance. Well, I can't lose 40lbs from day to night...I could have done my make up but had no where to go! I could have changed my outfit but again, no where to go! So, the next best thing was dye my hair! It's been close to 2 years since I last dyed my hair. I've cut it about 4 times in two years and believe me, everytime this hair stylist of mine cuts my hair, she CUTS my hair! LOL She chopped off about 7 inches the first time around and this last time she chopped off abaout 6 inches of length. So, I don't have ANY hair dye in my hair what so ever now.

To be quite honest, I DON'T know what my natural hair color is. As a baby, I had light brown hair and the tips were a golden brown. Why? I have no clue! As I got older, the lighter it would get! By the time I was in middle school it looke dlike I had bleached my hair and was running around with black roots lol. So my love for dying my hair begun! I dyed it for the first time at age 13 and never stopped until 2 years ago (mind you, I'm 24 now.)

How can hair change your entire look and make you feel like a "new" person? It's amazing what a simple hair cut or hair dye can do to the physical appearance of a person and even more amazing how it makes that person feel! When the change is drastic, you notice right away! I.E. Black to Blonde...Blonde to red..and vice versa. But back to my hair color. It was a chocolate brown on the top but when you look at it under the light or out in the sun, my hair is anything but ONE color! I have strands of blonde, light brown, reds, dark browns. It's ridiculous how many colors I have in there! My brother's hair is the same way! His beard grows in 3 different colors (the reason why he never lets it grow.) Our mom had dark black hair, her brother is a redhead and my grandpa had ashy blonde with brown streaks in his hair. Go figure! We got a weird mix of it all! lol

I dyed my hair Dark Auburn. No one seemed to notice. Which sort of made me feel down in the dumps (LOL) because no one noticed! I asked my bf this morning "hey did you noticed I died my hair???" His response "Nah uh! NO you didn't! Wait, did you? You did??? It looks the same to me!" My brother sat with me at work for nearly 3 hours and didn't notice either. So much for change right? Well, now my hair is a dark auburn but if you look at it, it looks like I have all sorts of highlights and low lights going on! Small change but it was a spur of the moment/moment of boredom decision.

Old Hair color

New Hair Color:

Not much difference right?

Now look at it under the light without the flash. (flash mutes out hair color)

I notice a difference but maybe because I dyed it myself. Over all, #BIGFAIL at change LOL. If you're not going to make a BIG change, save your hair follicles and DON'T dye your hair!

Quarter-Life Crisis

We all know about a mid-life crisis and if you're in your mid 30s or older, you may be experiencing but what many of us don't realize is that we go through some sort of crisis all of our lives! Each age range is a phase we go through. My focus will be on the quarter-life crisis as I am experiencing it. It's that time in your life when you start to evaluate or re-evaluate your life but every case is different.

The characteristics of quarter-life crisis for those that have not finished their education, such as myself, are the a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you. I am in no way jealous of my peer's success. On the contrary, I feel so proud and happy of all those that have worked their ass off to get what they have but at the same time, I can't help but feel like a failure. For those that have finished their education, may even experience the insecurity of thinking that what they have done is not enough. Had I finished school on time or early, that would be me but life happens and you can't always rely on a concrete life plan. You become disappointed with your job, you begin to stress out about unexpected expenses and the cost of being an adult. However, even those that do finish their schooling, have loans to pay, car payments, and mortgages as well just like the one that has no education. The high cost of living, being up to par with your friends or peers, all the while "making it" may even lead to insecurity, loneliness, isolation from others, depression, and suicidal tendencies. I always dwell on the "what ifs." What if I had finished school on time, where would I be working? What if I had finished school, where would I be living? What if, what if, what if?!?!?!

As you hit your mid twenties, you start to form a more concrete and strong opinion on certain situations. Some begin to settle down and begin to have that want or need to form a family, where as others run in the complete opposite direction for fear of being tied down. But deep down, we all have that need for a family of our own, to have our own children and have a successful relationship, etc, but not all of us will admit to it for fear of it never happening. I.E., a person's sole wish in life is to have children of their own but they may be gay and either have to pay for invitro, adopt, etc, and it may not ever happen for them for various reasons. Another example could be a woman wanting children but she has not been able to get pregnant. She might not mention it to others that she is trying to conceive for the fear of others knowing that she is infertile. All these factors of "where we are SUPPOSED to be or WHAT we are SUPPOSED to be" set in deep fear factors in us.

 

Finally, one of the other important characteristics of the quarter-life crisis are the realization that you are getting older. When as a teen and in your early twenties, you felt invincible. Nothing and no one could or would get in the way. Now, that you hit the mid twenties, you feel mortal. You see that you are aging and you begin to realize the toll the years have taken on your parents as well. For many, I think this is when the fear of death kicks in. You now know that you have entered the "real world" and have to take care of yourself and even find a way to some how take care of your parents. You begin to think of all your years you've spent with your parents and re-evaluate your relationship with them, try to make up for lost time or try to figure out how to care for them all the while caring for yourself. The unsettling feeling of they may be next and you're definitely going after they do. The normal cycle of life: born to only die, eventually.

 

The way I put it together may not include all the characteristics but in my opinion, those are the main factors that cause a quarter-life crisis. I am definitely having one now. Even though I am only 24, going on 25, I feel like I am 34 going on 45! I feel so aged for my age and yet, I have not accomplished a damn thing! However, I don't regret the route I have gone down. I had a "plan" but that plan did not coincide with what was in store for me. Things happen and eventually I will finish school and maybe even then, I won't feel accomplished. All I know, and a I can suggest, is to take it a day at a time. As much or as little as you have accomplished in life, be happy. If you want more, then do more! If you feel you haven't spent enough time with your parents, then start now! My mom always told me "everything in life has a solution except for death" and I know she is absolutely right! Everything and anything can be resolved so long as you want it to!

Emotional Vampires

I belive that anything  and everything can happen. I am a very sketpical person but if there is a good then there is definately a bad. I do not sit here and say that God, the Devil, heaven and hell don't exist but nor do I discredit that there are people out there that work with evil and good for witchcraft or that there are aliens. You just don't know what may or may not happen in this world. I think I am a fairly open minded person. I may not always agree or believe with that you preach but I won't criticize or tell you that you are wrong to believe.

Recently, I have felt very uncomfortable at work.I feel like I'm always being watched or like I am not alone. When physically, I am in fact alone. I alone work this office. I open, I close. I answer phones and do everything on my own so how is this possible? Well a friend's mother, now my friend as well, gave me her opinon and rendition of why I feel uncomfortable at work. I will quote what she said because she couldn't have worded it any better than I could have.

"I think that uncomfortable is more your working environment and the living around you. People bring energy around them and we also absorb others energy. You know how if you hear someone keep talking about how awful life is for them you think... why do I feel so bad? Well a good term is emotional vampire. They feed off others energy until they feel bad. Little dramatic but explains it. Your in an environment where people feel bad most of the time. When you go out side at times just stand and let all that go back into the ground. Called grounding yourself." -Patti

***Here's a link to where you can read and get some further information as to what Emotional Vampires are. What they pray on and what to do to avoid them!*** http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/06/05/31/how-to-beware-of-emotional-vampires-intent-on-draining-you-of-all-your-precious-emotional-strength.htm

I totally agree with her but I hadn't thought of it that way. Emotional Vampire. I have so many of those in my life. I always hear about how their life is so awful and horrible. About how they are so upset because their boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't do this or that. I hear complaints about how they do not get paid enough, they don't know what to do with their current relationships, how they feel suicidal for the smallest of things. I do not judge them but at times I do let them know a piece of my mind. There are others out there that are going through so much. They have a terminal illness, have family members with illnesses, or are homeless but they always find a light at the end of the day. They may complain but hey! They have a GOOD REASON TO COMPLAIN! But sometimes, even those that do trully have a, for lack of a better term, a fucked up ass life, they don't complain as much as those that have not gone through a damn thing! I'm a complainer and I'm not going to deny it. I have complained about my job, yes the people are awful but in the end, that's them not me. So long as I do my job, I get my paycheck, and I survive, then that's all that matters. Every other complaint isn't even important enough to stop me from living. It is hard to put up with negative people but it shouldn't affect your way of living or quality of life. As for other small complaints, they don't even cross my mind because nothing really matters so long as I am healthy, my family is healthy and alive, then that's all that matters to me.

 

I shall follow Patti's advice and ground myself. No matter where you go, you will always come upon negative people that come into the room and you feel that negativity tread on your shoulders. At least, I feel a heaviness either on my chest or my shoulders whenever I walk into a business or home with lots of negativity. Sometimes it gets so bad that I get bad headaches after the negative person leaves my sight or I leave the place where negativity radiates. My best advice is just to forget everyone and worry about yourself and your loved ones. If you're not negative, then there shouldn't be a reason why you let others' negativity affect you!

Day 30- Your favorite song.

I have a lot of favorite songs. Sometimes even a few songs from each genre of music that I listen to. I listen to a wide range of music but I never stray away from my Mexican roots. Yes, I'm a straight beaner, paisa, call it whatever you want! LOL I think that the song that makes me feel happy, bubbly, and all girly inside would be Besos y Cerezas by Ramon Ayala. (LOL@bubbly) It's just one of those songs that you can't help but smile when you hear it. Whether your husband, boyfriend, sancho, boytoy..whoever it makes you think of, you can't help but feel like a silly little school girl who just got her first kiss. It takes you back to that first kiss that gave you butterflies. I've never had a song make me feel that way, EVER!

Kept it short and to the point. I really thought that the last day of the challenge would have a more meaningful entry but hey, it's been fun!